How to send it back
We are absolutely committed to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, and will refund the cost of your book, your shipping and handling, and any unfortunate civil lawsuits that may have been directed at you as a result of reading this book. We might even refund the cost of the underwear that you were wearing when you first realized that the book was not for you—it is almost certainly ruined—but such reimbursement requires additional proof-of-purchase, proof-of-initial-cleanliness, and a note from your doctor signed and notarized declaring that you are fully continent and not easily excited.
All you have to do is follow these straightforward steps and your refund will be in the mail shortly.
1) Write a formal letter stating your philosophical rejection of the tenets of the book (hereinafter referred to as IBTBAGM) from the perspective of an IVR designer, an investor in a speech company, a dilettante, a hyperactive Chihuahua with chronic eczema, and a small wad of green plastic with a hardened attitude and a flexible agenda that projects its astral being into a hyperspace warp of at least eleven dimensions. Cast the letter in iambic pentameter.
2) Be sure to include in the letter a visual description of the specific effect that the anti-Jetsonian philosophy inflicted on your internal organs, dream stability, and long-term digestive processes. Describe separately for each of the five perspectives described in step 1.
3) Initial and notarize each effect.
4) Wait for an appropriate seven years.
5) Write out in longhand, on a separate page, “I,” and add your name, “agree that there’s not a chance in Hell any refund will ever come of this claim.” Label this statement as your “declaration.”
6) Sign the declaration and include it with your letter.
7) Mail the letter to the address found on page 188 of the IBTBAGM book.
After you have received your refund, we’ll call you with an outbound IVR that asks you several hundred thought-provoking questions about your customer experience. We value your opinion—please give us your most honest and spontaneous responses. We’ll do our best to recognize them.